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12 September 2004 @ 12:55 am
answered prayer  
in the ugly face of all those negative thoughts i was having about myself once again last night threatening to engulf me, i really felt so totally exceedingly depressive that i couldn't help at all but to tear a couple of times during a phone conversation with a friend. (but of course, it was probably unnoticeable through the phone, anyway.) i really felt so totally miserable and drained because of the toll schoolwork was taking on me, and also about something else, which, really, is the main reason... and i really didn't know at all how to make myself feel even an ounce better, and i just wanted to go to sleep... but i was really so so desperate that, despite being in my state of extreme exhaustion, i just prayed that God would come immediately and speak to me and comfort me Himself. i was even distressed silly enough to specify to Him, "God, please speak to me now through Every Day With Jesus, the september 10th devotion." and i must say that i'm really one with really really very little faith, so i'm really really very very grateful and thankful that He did, though i didn't totally expect Him to.

you know that i'm not at all somebody to cry at every other small little thing that happens in my life, so even the minor fact that i merely teared affects me, for it seems to be an indication to me that it must be over an issue very close to my heart, something that i really mind like crazy about, even if i don't outwardly express it.

and the verse given for yesteday's devotion was, "...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5). it struck home. because i was really miserable to weeping point. and it was in the dark of the night that i did my quiet time, something that i've really been skipping for quite a while, due to workload and a bunch of other lousy excuses. it is really very touching, for me, that God still continues to answer such impatient prayers of mine immediately, although i, His unworthy, undeserving servant, haven't really been actively seeking Him at all these days.

Psalm 30 seems to be a promise to give me hope i can hold on to. even as i read it in the depths of my misery, i had to tear all over again, because verse 3 says, "O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit." and verses 11 and 12 say, "You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent..."

i'm just so glad that He's such a wonderful God; that He didn't just say that He will make me beautiful and attractive and desirable, nor did He say that i am already perfect in His image, so not to worry etc. etc., for all these wouldn't have helped very much at all, i guess. but what He said was that i may weep for the night, but rejoicing will come in the morning, that He will turn my mourning into dancing, and exchange my sackcloth for a cloak of joy. i think that must have been exactly what i needed to hear.

i don't know how it will happen. i don't know how He will bring about my rejoicing, how He will give me cause for dancing, and how He will dress me in His cloak of joy, but i guess i know He will. recently, i have been quoting jeremiah 29:11 to people, and even as they feel that it has been repeatedly speaking to them, the same verse is also repeatedly speaking to me -- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." i really really really don't know what these plans, this hope, and this future that He has in mind for me are, but i guess i know He will bring them about. i mean, if He bothers to give me such a speedy reply to even such short desperate pleas of mine, why wouldn't He ensure that these promises issued in His replies are eventually fulfilled, right?

towards the last part of last night's devotional, it goes,

Joy is always present in the heart of a Christian. It may not always be felt or recognised, but it is always there. And eventually it will break through to the surface, no matter what our situation or our circumstances.

this is really so encouraging, because i really wanna go back to the joy i was experiencing for such a prolonged period just not so long ago.
 
 
Mood: loved
Music: reaching for You -- hillsongs