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31 March 2005 @ 09:59 pm
no, i *will not* let you know  
today during the evaluation part of my oral test, my german tutor said that she thinks that i should use the german tutorial class as a platform for me to speak up more often in german. she said that she notices that i would never, ever volunteer myself, but if nobody else had anything to say in class, she knows that she could always count on me to provide my opinions. and then she also said that i always have very interesting opinions differing from the others, and that i express them in good german, and that my vocabulary and grammar are fantastic. wahahahahahaha! i'm invincible!

okay, that was the plus, now here comes the minus. she said that i should try to be more outgoing, and not so reserved. and in reply to my passing comment that "i'm a person with not much to say", she said that i always have plenty to say, but i just don't say it. in other words, she was probably saying that i ought to have more initiative and volunteer myself and not be afraid of having differing views from the others. ha. that was a poke at my character. which i, very unfortunately, find quite hard to change.

okay, anyway, that was a boost to my ego. i realise that i always spend entire semesters trying to decide whether my teachers hate or like me. when they see me, is it a positive sign which appears above their heads, or a negative sign? i'm always torn between thinking that they either really dislike me, or they really approve of me. what sort of complex could i possibly be suffering from? right now, i suspect herr chan hates me, 'cos i always slouch in class and i didn't attend his 4-hour lesson today 'cos of my essay due tomorrow which i still haven't started on. and i'm always thinking that mark donohue thinks i'm a fool 'cos his english is like way up there, and mine is way down here. why do i care so much about what other people think of me?

-----

finally, on to the topic that's been revolving in my head for several days now--after much observation of the world around me, i must remind myself again, never, ever, to put myself in a (especially public) position of dependence upon the guy (generic. and no, "generic" isn't his name, wahaha!) i like. i will never, ever, wanna appear like this and feel as if i have absolutely no self-worth at all. i will not cling, will not beg; i will not hang on as if he (generic!) was my only hope.

if you wonder why people like me construct impenetrable walls, it's from the observation of how the world (i.e. the generic he, which isn't really that generic after all) treats nice people who allow this to happen. i wouldn't really blame him either, i can totally understand, but i will do all i can to defend and protect myself from people like that in future. i will not let this happen to me (note: i will not to, doesn't mean that success is guaranteed).

disclaimer: i know i'm probably also like one of those people whom i claim i wanna protect myself from, but somehow it doesn't seem so bad if the person put in a spot of vulnerability is a guy.

i'm saying all this because i feel like my species has been insulted. what more, i feel as if i myself, has been put to shame. because............ the sad thing is, it could just as easily have been me.
 
 
Mood: determined
Music: shou fang kai -- sam lee