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18 April 2005 @ 01:36 am
a tiny step, enormous courage  
my dad bought two op tshirts for me today. actually one of them was supposed to be for my sister, but she said i should have it since they are "my type of clothes" anyway. she'll probably wear them someday though, since our clothes are generally interchangeable. she seemed pretty moody the whole time after she got back from church today, so i decided to go to sleep, but when i woke up again, she still seemed pretty moody.

i wondered if it was just me, and/or my guilt complex, but my mum asked me about it too, so i couldn't have been wrong. then i wondered if i've done it all wrong again, and if i'd made a wrong decision again after all, and i felt pretty bad and horrible about it all, and wished that i was still sleeping and wouldn't hafta be awake to hafta face all this. eventually, she told me about what it seemed was bothering her. i think i was pretty relieved it didn't seem to have been something on my part. and i still hope like mad that it really isn't, and that i didn't contribute to any of it at all.

i think i'm capable of being selfish and inconsiderate--only seeking after my own pleasures, ignoring others' pains, and i sometimes suffer from the split-mind complex--forgetting certain matters when i'm in a certain circumstance, remembering only much later, when it's already too late... i'm guilty of all these, but i promise, of all people, i would never, ever wanna hurt you, or even allow anyone to. but i also understand that people fail... but i just wish that, in this aspect, i would never.

---

these aside, my mum shared that she thought she heard God calling her name while praying today. after that, we spent a bit of time discussing on why it is that, so often, people we know who claim that they heard God calling them, say they heard a feminine voice, or that they couldn't tell if it was male or female. i wonder.

my dream's still on my mind. when i finally told my sister about it after yesterday, and expressed my doubts and stuff, could i be simply reading too much into it? she said, but i am able to differentiate between dreams which clearly mean nothing and dreams that possibly might have some spiritual significance right? to which i agreed. at least, i guess, the spiritual warfare part was proven accurate already... could i have been able to do anything about it? if i'd understood it earlier, could/would i have prayed harder?

what about the "swirly" part? do i, or would i, dare take that step of faith? i can hardly imagine. just one step, i know, but so big, so hard, requires so much faith, so much courage. what if i fail? i know it wouldn't be me succeeding, or failing, for that matter... but... i don't know, am i ready? but then again, like pak meng mentioned today, who's ever ready? but it's like such a big thing... i'm not good enough, i don't do enough, i'm not even praying enough... yet again, i know it's not about me, it's not myself, it's His grace. i'm just scared--scared i'd be wrong, scared nothing'd happen--just scared.

sigh. i realised that, even as i was relating the entire thing to my sis, i didn't even dare repeat those words, for fear, just for fear, that maybe something would happen if i did. funny as it might be, i only attempted to spell them out for her. i really wonder, were they stuck somewhere in my subconscious, 'cos i'd heard similar before, or what? to which she said, God could have used that experience to allow me to recognise it. i really don't know, don't know about it, don't know what i'll do, or even if i'll do anything about it.

i know faith leads on to more faith. head knowledge, not heart. so, lieber Gott, hilf mir bitte, in my unbelief, auf dich zu vertrauen. ich bin sehr unsicher und habe sehr sehr angst. ich glaube, dass ich jetzt gehen sollte. gute nacht dann.
 
 
Mood: contemplative
Music: diamond ring -- pedro the lion