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14 June 2005 @ 04:25 am
an attempt at closing a chapter  
thank God for my dad's going for his first cell group meeting last friday. i know i'm a little lagging to only find out about it, like, what, just, think he doesn't really, like, want the whole world to know, or something, but from what i heard, it seemed he pretty enjoyed his time there. thank God, praise God. glad and hope he starts attending regularly.

that boy, jacky's testimony at the alpha dinner last saturday was very raw. in short, he said, he and his dad treat each other like enemies, and then, i think, once, they argued, or something. and at one of their alpha sessions, i think, he said, he prayed that his relationship with his dad would improve, or something. not long after (was it the next day, or what?), his dad just came up to him and hugged him. you all shoulda heard him, 'cos i really think, that's not a very easy thing for a guy his age to say. and it also seems that hugs don't seem a very frequent thing between him and his dad. so, basically, i felt, his testimony was, like, one word--raw. very touching. the way God works. how such prayers can be answered at such lightning speed. how it serves not only to increase the faith of the one who prayed it, but also to encourage those who hear about it. at such times, i wonder, how can this God not be real? how can anybody not believe? how can anybody not believe?

some of you will know that i attempted to delete my journal today. i didn't mean to delete it for good; i mean, how could i possibly bear to, after so many years? but this is the first time i've ever tried. knowing full well that i would retrieve it in less than forty-eight hours. simple explanation being, i was depressed, might still be depressed, and didn't know what to do, how to deal with it. some of you don't know why, some of you don't understand, some of you, i haven't had the opportunity to talk to, and some of you will never know, not that it would really matter anyway. the thing is, i shall make a major attempt at getting over being scared. i shall start sleeping again. i shall sleep and wake at earthly hours. i shall play nice hymns on the rusty piano. i shall start reading narnia again. (but i didn't say i shall start running seriously!) i don't feel as terrible as i did last night. maybe it's just my grandaunt going away. i'm afraid frequent fits of depression might run in the family or something.

actually, you see, i guess, everyday, you can think of so many things to thank God for. so much more than the things you can blame Him for, if you dare, that is. well, i don't really know what else to say anymore. i feel like saying that i shan't be posting so often anymore. i don't wanna scare people with all these really depressed entries and stuff. yet it's my journal, it's catharsis for me, prescriptive advice kills, i can choose to write, others can choose to read. but that's not the point. the point is, a couple of years back, i thought i'd reached a block and said perhaps i'd take a hiatus. and ended up posting the very next day. and the next. and the next. and so on. so i shall probably post again tomorrow. having said this, chances of me actually posting tomorrow have effectively decreased by one-fifth. some people will know exactly what i'm talking about, some people will understand, some people might even have done the exact same stuff on their own blogs. some of you know that, more than anything else, i seek for understanding. which is the reason i write. some of you don't know, some of you don't care, not that it should really matter anyway. (deja vu already?)

whatever it is, God has brought me so far out of that egypt i once knew. it's a new life i'm leading now (though yet perfected) and i won't be turning back.

why am i christian? well, He healed my family. this is the first time i'm saying this here, but when i was about ten, divorce seemed so inevitable. (and no, there was no affair.) today, my mum went on a trip to malacca with her church friends. ten years ago, all this would have seemed so impossible. then i saw my sister's life picking up. i shan't elaborate. and then He helped me pick up the pieces of my life and put them together again. i know to a former drug addict or an ex-convict or whatever, my life would seem so totally... like, no pieces to pick up at all... but, well, it's my life, you wouldn't know. from a journal that started off with a deathwish, knowing Him has transformed it into... i don't know, at least something happier? (though this bright cheery layout doesn't always fit my current-moods, like, nowadays.)

so, why am i christian? maybe because He offers me hope? a hope i don't know where else to search for, where else to find. not from academics, nor from society, nor from inside of my depressive self. or maybe because His ways seem so much like the way i think the world ought to be? where love is sown, forgiveness found, and divorce, murder, lying are all wrong.

maybe the reader is thinking, again, that i'm a freak. well, maybe i am--a Jesus freak. my humble opinion; better a fool for God than a fool for anything, anyone else. (though i'm still constantly being a fool for many other things too, but i try lah.) maybe i've said this before. this is boring you--another once-in-a-while endless entry to convince myself of my faith. yeah, i guess, i need the reminders... even if you don't. i write for the sake of working things out in my own mind, i write for the sake of my own understanding, and i write for the (hopefully) understanding of the nice people who've persisted (and are still kindly persisting) reading this word-for-word and not simply scanning through and thinking i'm a freak. my next and final sentence err paragraph is gonna sound like repetition, and it's gonna sound like i'm trying so hard to convince myself; maybe it is all that i just said, but here goes...

i think i've found God, and if He's God (apply the three "omni"s), surely He knows best, surely His ways are best, and, wanting the best for myself, surely i will follow Him. i may fear the worst, but i will not turn back. if you read this, i'm sorry for everything that ever happened, i'm sorry for everything and anything i've ever done against you, i would never blame you for anything, forgive me once and for all, and please let us not have anything to do with each other ever again. this will hopefully also be my last ever entry on you.
 
 
Mood: accomplished
Music: wa jie -- jay chou
 
 
 
sleepysnail on June 14th, 2005 02:57 am (UTC)
glad ur LJ is back
j.jerubbaal on June 14th, 2005 07:35 am (UTC)
isn't God great?
He turns your mourning into dancing, trades your ashes for beauty.

Jesus loves you.
that's all that matters. :)
the doobfemdog on June 14th, 2005 08:16 am (UTC)
:)
i too, hope that you'll not be scared anymore.
take care.
joannejoooanne on June 14th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC)
i think talking about God, be it to ourselves or others, is good cos it actually strengthens our faith in Him. and no you don't sound like a freak haha i love you even if you are one.

whatever it is, i hope u're fine and i hope you won't stop writing. cos i'm always encouraged by what you write (esp those about God).

seeya on sunday!
a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on June 17th, 2005 09:16 am (UTC)
thanks to all. :) i don't really know what else to say.