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08 October 2005 @ 02:11 am
feel like the night shift worker  
from thefridayfive:
1. How long have you had your LiveJournal?
three years--it's her birthday next month.

2. What do you consider to be the main purpose of your LiveJournal?
catharsis.

3. If you could change something about your personal blogging style, what would it be?
less self-conscious, more edifying.

4. What are your criterion for adding someone to your friends list roll?
(1) knowing him/her personally, (2) liking his/her style/content, (3) that person adding me first.

5. Name one thing that you've never before written about in your LiveJournal.
if i've never before written about it, that's probably 'cos i don't wanna talk about it; and if i do write about it now, my answer would then henceforth cease to be true. i've never before posted my thoughts on my gran's passing. so i might as well do it now.

sometimes i forget that you're gone. sometimes i come home, stand outside the door and knock my knuckles rotten because i don't wanna wake you with the doorbell. sometimes i walk into what is now known as yati's room at night and consciously neglect switching the lights on because i don't wanna disturb you sleeping. sometimes i wake in the morning to hear the tv on outside and i walk out the room thinking to find you seated on the sofa as usual, watching. sometimes i check if you're in the toilet so i don't switch the lights off by accident.

and when all of a sudden i remember, i ring the doorbell with a vehemence i've never known, i switch all the lights on and off as i wish and don't care how much noise i make and who wakes. sometimes, i actually sit down and watch the sappy neverending taiwanese drama from 11-12 noon. sometimes, i stare at your face in the picture and wonder how to believe that somebody i've seen everyday almost all my life, i'm never gonna see again 'til the day i die.

there seems not so much to be sadness, but a kind of numbness, just numbness. numbness is what always occurs to me, just numbness. i've never been especially, especially close to you, except, maybe when i was in preschool, before your major op happened. i didn't actually wanna leave that day, but da-gu-gu thought yati being there was enough, and gerald offered a lift, so i went to the library to get my books returned. i would have liked to stay, though i wouldn't have been help at all. no matter. that evening, i was thankful in a way, because you were finally relieved of your pain.

i wonder what goes on up there in heaven. do you look out the window of your mansion and see us, see me typing here about you? or do you use something like a crystal ball? can you understand what i'm typing here in english? when everyone up there in heaven speaks, do you hear them all in your native tongue? which is your native tongue? have you been reunited with ye-ye and shu-shu already? do you all share a mansion? do you have rooms to yourself? is there a need for privacy? have you spoken to God and Jesus yet? do They appear as one, or separate? do you have to travel to see Jesus, or is He there, everywhere, all the time? are there both male and female angels, or are they even bound by gender? what are their names? do they sing often? do they really use the harp? what about the guitar, piano, violin... and the drums? are there really personal guardian angels? do the people in heaven still need to take baths once in a while? are you all still concerned about what goes on to your loved ones down here, or does it not matter anymore because you now know for sure that eternity's real? when's it my turn? when's it my turn?
from fridayfiver:
1. Have you ever been to the emergency room?
nope.

2. What's the worst pain you've ever had?
probably nothing physical. anyway, if it's really such great pain, i don't think i'd wanna recall it. nevertheless, regarding the physical, some of you know and even watched me fall off a bus 30 at the bedok interchange after school one orientation prep day i think when we were in sec three. i sprained my ankle and it was so painful at that point, one side of my face felt totally paralysed, i was afraid i couldn't control my facial expressions. actually quite funny now that i think of it. of course, there was also the time i plunged the knife into my right palm in primary six. but i can't remember the pain anymore.

3. If you could choose your doctor, do you prefer someone of the same or opposite sex?
same.

4. Do you take vitamins?
when i remember, yup.

5. Would you prefer to go to the doctor, the dentist or go sky diving?
skydiving. i've been to the doc's and the dentist's before, but not skydiving.
update on today: i slept close to 2am, woke slightly past 5am, went to school, felt immensely drained by 1030am, decided to give up and begin the ardous journey home at 11am, reached home with a headache at 1215pm, went straight to bed, alarm went off at 430pm, got up to switch it off at 434pm, next woke at 602pm. shall go back to bed by 230am and hope to be up again by 10am.
 
 
Mood: recumbent
Music: Kit Chan - Xin Tong