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23 February 2011 @ 05:07 am
trigger word  
i may be my own person now, the life i lead may be more my own now than it ever used to be, and i can work on fixing what you broke. but i'll never get it fixed right if you keep breaking it over and over again.

if you really believe i am a "weakling" (your word) as you never fail to remind me i am whenever i dare express feelings of cold, hunger, sickness or tiredness... if you really believe so and expect me to accept this as truth, then you, too, must be able to accept it when i tell you that i believe i am a weakling because i was brought up in a house of weaklings by a parent who is a weakling.

i wonder how, being the weakling you say i am, i did not die at birth. and i wish that i did, since my wretched existence (which i had totally no agency in) has obviously cost you much time, energy, youth, money, and whatever alternatives you could have had.

i know i will never be good enough for you. but somehow i have been programmed to keep trying. and i hate myself for that and would rather that i just drop dead than to have to go through this over and over again and keep having to pretend that i don't care.

i am very tired and unhappy and i would rather that i were dead, except i can't do it myself or i would end up in hell and eternity is a really long time to be in hell.
 
 
Mood: blah
 
 
 
the doob: brocolli ghostfemdog on February 23rd, 2011 07:54 am (UTC)
Please don't, you will make many people sad, me included.
And you're not a weakling.
α alpha: all i haveun_cadeau on February 23rd, 2011 03:52 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

other than kl, chops, xiaohei, wawa, pats, brandy, mani, xiao weiwei, xiao katchiang and bob, you are the person i love most in this world.

next werner's on me? although i am quite sick of werners already...