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12 November 2012 @ 03:49 am
happiness is...finding myself  

as i was telling colin, i think i caught a glimpse of Jesus in the doctor who tended to me over my past few miserable days.

he is from an apparently christian clinic and was quite, quite different from the handful of singapore doctors i have seen over the past few years. the two singapore doctors i saw the most often/was most familiar with -- one has always been clearly more interested in money-making cosmetic procedures and in charging patients according to how much they earn/how rich they look, while the other, perhaps jaded from years of medical practice, would be hurriedly done with his diagnosis, usually after just a quick read of the pulse and occasionally a speedy listen through the stethoscope.

this local doctor, in contrast, appeared sincere, genuinely concerned. it's funny how i was initially determined to find a female doctor, but was left without a choice at the last minute because the pain was killing me and his clinic was the nearest i knew how to get to.

tummy troubles are the bane of my life, so i'm not that unfamiliar with doctors prodding about around my tummy. even at the syph, the doctors would just press and feel, ask if it hurts here or there or everywhere. it was a somewhat eye-opening experience for me when i discovered that this doctor was keenly watching my reaction (not just my tummy) even as he prodded about it; it seemed that he was also listening out carefully for my intake of breath whenever it hurt, i mean, he was really paying attention. it was only then that it occurred to me: isn't this what all doctors should be doing???

and he seemed genuinely worried, calling me back even many minutes after he was already done with me, briefing me with very specific directions and instructions, giving me an additional private referral with another set of specific directions and instructions, and then making the first move to instruct his staff not to charge me for his consultation (earning an outraged, somewhat accusatory look from one of his staff even as the other complied, heh).

i don't think i appeared to be a particularly urgent case -- i wasn't in tears, wasn't crying/screaming/whining in pain. i think i was controlled in my pain, measured, at the most slightly wide-eyed, brows furrowed. but not anything that i thought demanded/particularly deserved that kindness. so i was rather touched.

in jc, a cca mate once said somewhat disparagingly that i am sucker for anyone who threw a little bit of niceness my way -- only one of the few damaging views i allowed her to plant in me, growing to believe it and often still finding some truth in it. it is true that i have always been easily taken by acts of kindness with no immediately discernible motive; after all i grew up schooled in the essential link between actions and motives, it was always magic when someone appeared to have none. when i was younger, i was ashamed of this trait my so-called friend once portrayed as a character flaw, but today, i realise the authenticity of such acts of kindness deserve precisely my level of appreciation.

有种找到自己的感觉 :)

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