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08 February 2013 @ 06:01 am
dissonance  


hello. weeks of anticipation, trudging eight straight days and then another six through with that end in mind, and then a day before the day, dread sets in. is the human psyche crazy or what.

i wanted to just end today's entry here, but then examining myself for a bit, i think there's something about just the idea of engaging in social activities that somehow just gets to me. it's not that i hate it or can't handle it -- it's just ... just the thought of a major event, or a series of events all lined up ahead of me, that just makes me feel suddenly immensely spent and trapped and fearful right before it happens.

i mean, think about it, every job interview/test i've gone for/taken, i've had to fight the urge to postpone or even cancel them (i've actually managed to postpone a couple). truth is, in my time here (and all the time back at home), i've seriously considered copping out of every event i'd promised to go for (even though of course in the end i never regret going). i think i'd be the type to run away on my wedding day.

in this sense, i guess i appreciate spontaneity -- there's a sense that i won't be bound to anything, and in that i feel secure, and hence comfortable (i wouldn't have time to process dread and fear before that). but i also believe in making plans and setting aside dates, because the point of doing so is a way of conveying to the other party(ies) that they matter enough for you to do so (especially if they only knew what an utter pain it is for me to have to go through all that dissonance).

whatever. all will be fine once i get through the pain of the four-hour flight separating me from my other bed and my other favourite food and my other normal routines and my one and only favourite cat ... and of course family sister and fmlcolin, who all appear to have a thorough appreciation of and fine balance between spontaneity and planned dates.

i feel happier already.