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29 October 2013 @ 12:37 pm
"what's been up with you?"  


an entry inspired by colin's "what's been up with you?". shall i give you a tag here too for the mere mention of your name? :p

so i went kayaking over the weekend -- something i've wanted to do for the longest time but just had difficulty finding people i was comfy with who actually wanted to do it too. the last time i kayaked was some 10 years ago, when the three stooges would roll out of class in between lessons and climb over the rubbish dump and run to the beach. as we were heading for one of those sessions one day, our unsuspecting ct tutor mr leong said i looked so carefree in my pe attire in the middle of the afternoon; it was hilarious. about as hilarious as when he wrote in my testimonial that i was a great pianist after secretly watching me play just one piece on the beat-up piano at the vj foyer. in hindsight, i think, as a teacher, he recognised the things that really interested me and tried to give me, make me the space to do them.

so, sidetrack aside, who would have known that that would be my last time kayaking. (back then, once we kayaked into a school of jumping fish; in the shower later, i found a few dead ones in my sports bra, fml.) ten years on, i feel acutely missing the gungho-ness of youth; basically, feel old and cowardly. but it was terribly fun, of course.

all the physical aspects of the activity aside, i think it's nice to have people get a chance to really let their guards down (intentionally or not) so you can really get to see them and know them. (or maybe it was all just me letting my own guard down and thinking everyone else did too, yikes, whatever.) but there was basically something at least somewhat admirable observable in everyone i met, vastly different personalities as we all are. gives one plenty of food for thought. makes me wish at times that i had some of each person's strength of character and personality. "hi, i'd like to order a pack of courage, some skill, some perseverance and a cup of brute force, please."

that aside, in the course of the day, someone posed me a somewhat thought-provoking question. thought-provoking because for some strange reason i had never quite set out to shape views on that before, which i probably should have because it wasn't a tough question. list your three pet peeves.

i have this very clear memory of a friend who claims all the time how much he adores me, and then he, self-centredly trying to force me into accommodating his plans at the expense of many other things on my side, all the while pretending to make it seem like he wasn't doing so and that he was in fact happy to accommodate my wishes.

that one act pretty much set off all my pet peeves -- inauthenticity, self-centredness at others' expense, manipulation. at that time, he didn't know it yet, but i was done; mentally and emotionally, i was. i guess this is what they mean by violate my core principles and that's it. i mean, i really believe that you can be free to be the meanest, fakest, most selfish and most manipulative person to everyone else, but please just don't apply the same to the people, the friends and family you claim you love... especially if that person is me. unacceptable.

so -- now that i'm done with the bitching -- kayaking was the main highlight of the weekend for me. it appears that i'm almost all booked till the end of the year. have been busy making plans and reservations for everyone who'll be visiting, on top of everything else i'm s'posed to do. wish i had the rest of the year off work. so lazzzy. colin, hurry come.