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25 February 2014 @ 03:59 am
on the need to be rescued  
for the person who every day tells herself to "save yourself" and that her years of trained mental resilience is all she needs to carry herself through everything and anything, someone gave this verse on sunday:

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -- Isaiah 46:4

i had forgotten that being christian essentially embraces the belief that not everything necessarily need be by self-effort. when i should feel in distress, despair, downcast and downtrodden, He will see me through.

despite all i always tell myself about the importance of being my own lifebuoy, perhaps i've always known, felt deep inside that i'm destined to fail. why, because God is supposed to be my lifebuoy. He is my infallible lifebuoy, if only i would come to understand that and finally let go and let Him save me.

Help me to, Lord.

***

please don't misunderstand me, things are still going all very well for me here and at the moment. it's just another one of those little bouts of melancholy that i suffer from every once in a while; just let me ride it out. the root cause of the past few days of melancholy, in my opinion, is probably my desperate desire for depth.

i miss colin terribly, i miss the stranger, i miss...a whole range of other people who...just get me, who know power and war and motives and underlying meanings and struggles and journeys and grey areas and tensions and inequality and unfairness...everything and anything else. and who make me laugh, really laugh.

i miss me and colin's dissections and analyses and mulling over potential courses of action. i miss me and the stranger's descriptions and observations of expressions, reactions, telling behaviours. his "he was in the throes of death", "you can choose to run away from me at any time", "i know you're angry at your unfair grading and not at her promotion"...every little statement that let me know that he understood me exactly the way i wanted to be understood.

i miss many other people i'm not even writing about here because they may not even share my sentiments.

yes, maybe, maybe i just want to be understood more than i want to be loved.