yesterday afternoon as i attempted to settle down to do my quiet time, the chorus of the song was the only prayer i had to offer up to Him. i realised that i could no longer trust my own words, because while i did want to do His will, i was also desperately struggling with a will of my own, one with which i did not want to relinquish. so very often, my prayers would end up going something like, "God, help me to do Your will, empower me with Your Holy Spirit to do only what is pleasing to You... but if You will not protect me from this hurt, i will make sure that i protect myself; i am not Jesus, i am not like You, i cannot offer of myself endlessly despite rejection, i cannot love the unlovable even if i'm one myself... blah blah blah, amen." doesn't that just sound simply ridiculous?
but later in part of the quiet time readings, romans 7:14-25 seemed uncannily apt a description of my then-current condition. i think it was pretty encouraging for me that even the apostle paul went through all that! and then romans 8:5-8 went that, those who live in accordance to the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires... and that would be, life, and peace; desiring to submit to God's law, and desiring to please Him.
and so i was like, God, God, that's exactly what i want! i want to live by the Spirit, i want to love others as i love myself, i don't wanna keep on biting and devouring each other to our mutual destructions (galatians 5:13-18)! and suddenly i felt that i just wanted to live according to Him, and not according to my own sinful nature and desires anymore...
as i was closing in prayer, using the chorus of the song once more as a guide, i asked for an extra portion of the Spirit upon me. (well, actually to confess, i don't really know what that means, but i've once heard someone praying for it, so i assume that must be good, to be extra-led by the Spirit.) i said i wanted peace, and that i wanted to submit to Him, and then i think i asked for understanding (i'm not sure of what, but if you know me well enough, to understand and be understood is of core importance to me).
then in the midst of my prayer, this thought came to mind--"submission is way, way harder than defiance and rebellion". i'm not exactly sure where it popped up from, 'cos it's an amazingly new way of looking at things, at least for me... nicky gumbel would probably call it the "compelling spirit", which i'm compelled to believe, and yes, which i actually believe lah. and yes, i know the thought might probably come across as sounding horrifying and urgh, i mean, okay, so submission is so difficult... but i don't know why, i suddenly just felt very thankful and joyful and everything.
i mean, it's not like i don't have a will of my own, so i just fit His will into my own lack of one... i think, here, the issue is that, you have a will of your own, and it's this conscious effort of letting go of your own will, so as to do His, that is the difficult part. don't ask me why i'm still so happy with His revelation, i don't really know either. maybe it's just the fact that He has spoken again, in another fresh new way! or maybe it's the challenge posed to me--between submission and defiance, if submission is an A, and defiance B, then of course i aim for an A.
but either way, the crux of the entire thing was that, (1) unpeace (whether within myself, or with the world) isn't something that i would want to live with, and (2) if the disharmony and disunity of everything was gonna threaten somebody's soul from receiving eternal life at the day away next week, 那可是 something that i 担当不起啊!
Jesus, take me in Your hand, and make me all that You want me to be. Jesus, help me understand Your purpose, and what You can do through me, fulfilling my destiny.