when will i break the news? when will i move on? after his exams? during his hols? before his hols end? before my hols end? i really wanna help, i don't wanna dump him, but twice a week, he makes me feel like throwing in the towel, and at his face too. his mum's not very supportive at all, and i don't wanna get him beaten up again after i leave either, i don't wanna make him grow up hating school. not that i'm fantastic, or sacrificial, or whatsoever, but i just don't wanna leave him in the lurch. i'm afraid that when they find someone else, that someone else won't tolerate any of his crap and will force him to sit down properly and stuff exam questions down his throat and that he'll grow up hating his studies, hating learning.
yet these are only my ideals; what parents nowadays want seem to be instant results (in the report book). but all these come from building up on a foundation! not everything comes merely from the texts; you need to read, you need to expand your horizons, then you'll be able to understand the little details of the texts! the results will come not so much from tuition, but from the things you expose him to outside of tuition--encourage speaking, reading in english, visit the library, science centre, zoo, whatever he's interested in... don't shut him up and bury him neck-high in low-quality assessment books--what can he learn from there if he can't even read and understand the words in them?
yet i know you love him. the problem lies with society, the problem lies with the system. which is why i could never be a teacher. i'd fail miserably. but i'd like to educate my own kids--not that i'd "save" 'em from the system and homeschool them, but i'd like them to be simultaneously within the system, yet have their 思想s outside of it. while i'm still bored, lemme try and elaborate on this: i'd want them to learn things like, say, english, mandarin, science, history, lit. etc. in the most natural ways possible, e.g. as general knowledge (oh, fur keeps animals warm, ww2 partly resulted from unsettled issues over ww1-->happens all the time in everyday life, blah blah). and then i won't deny that i'd hope they do well in school too, 'cos to me, doing well in academics without route-mugging would suggest understanding.
these aside, adults always make me feel inadequate. must be some sorta persecution complex i'm suffering from, i'm always suspecting that the neighbours, or goodness-knows-what-other-adults, think that my sister, or my friend, whoever, is the friendlier, more polite, more humble of the two... and i feel bad, 'cos i'm so painfully shy and inadequate and self-conscious and whatever-else that i can't even bring myself to say hi and make small talk. sigh and tsktsk. i may be tongue-tied, but there's certainly nothing wrong with my brain. in fact, i think it works overtime (i.e. 胡思乱想). i may not speak, but i have opinions too. and it's not that i have that much problem expressing them either. you may not hear me, but you can read me, here. and that's the reason this space exists.
final paragraph, i apologise that it seems, every time the exams approach, i come up with some entry condemning the education system and swear i'll be a better parent than to subject my kids to such. but of course, i bet my parents probably swore that too, long before i came to be, and i forgive them anyway, haha, on account of many things no space to write here. (change topic) 回到过去 (link removed) is a very nice song... it reminds me of the time we (guess who) used to picnic every saturday before alpha came about. and that time, me and yingni were just standing on those benches, with the discman plugged in and singing the song at the top of our voices (which isn't much, for my case, haha). many things i hope to get 'round to after the exams. i feel deep and dark in the deep dark night. a random thought: i've scared all my suitors away. harhar. (and "harhar" is an eye-rolling, not-funny-lor laugh.)
okay, wipe that spastic quizzical look off your face before i punch your eyes out. what was the point of this entire entry, and why're you still typing on endlessly when everyone's nodding off and drifting to sleep already? hm, and didn't you just say "final paragraph" the paragraph above? well, it's my journal and i'll write if i want to, hmph. see, anything's better than studying. see, if i leave off now, i'll be teleported straight back to real life, the real world, where i've got this nasty feeling i'm gonna B+ (or less) my english mods and i really doubt the extent to which i can pull my grades up with the extra work i can choose to put in. okay, the end, goodnight.