this evening, my mum read to me from the chinese newspapers that somebody either committed or contemplated suicide at a block of flats near church. during prayer walk only last friday, i prayed for depressed people who were thinking of ending their lives, because i remembered looking down from the top floor of one of those blocks, thinking what a perfect place it was for me to do the deed if i ever decided to. double sigh.
the timely reminder of a late night conversation just--to watch out, brraaake, take a step back, and take care i don't end up another casualty. another one i just gleaned from somewhere else... maybe i should just let go. but it's so much easier said than done. triple sigh.
26 may 2005 2.14pm
what do people who have the slightest inkling of it think of me? i never meant to "fight" and i don't want to either and neither do i even think i stand a "fighting chance"; i never meant to do anything about it. i just have a want, a desire, a wish, a fat hope--if i could choose, i wouldn't want to feel this way at all... so i'll just continue waiting for it to fade off, alright? i'm trying, alright, i'm trying; i don't know who knows, but i always have been.