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26 May 2005 @ 03:42 am
i won't stop you if you want to  
alone and taking the lift downstairs today, i felt afraid sharing it with an old man i didn't know. but taking the lift back upstairs all by myself, i was totally at ease. looks like last night's experience has effectively left me with a new phobia... hopefully only temporarily... sigh.

this evening, my mum read to me from the chinese newspapers that somebody either committed or contemplated suicide at a block of flats near church. during prayer walk only last friday, i prayed for depressed people who were thinking of ending their lives, because i remembered looking down from the top floor of one of those blocks, thinking what a perfect place it was for me to do the deed if i ever decided to. double sigh.

the timely reminder of a late night conversation just--to watch out, brraaake, take a step back, and take care i don't end up another casualty. another one i just gleaned from somewhere else... maybe i should just let go. but it's so much easier said than done. triple sigh.

26 may 2005 2.14pm
what do people who have the slightest inkling of it think of me? i never meant to "fight" and i don't want to either and neither do i even think i stand a "fighting chance"; i never meant to do anything about it. i just have a want, a desire, a wish, a fat hope--if i could choose, i wouldn't want to feel this way at all... so i'll just continue waiting for it to fade off, alright? i'm trying, alright, i'm trying; i don't know who knows, but i always have been.
 
 
Mood: morose
Music: jiu shi ai ni -- david tao
 
 
 
(Screened comment)
a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on May 26th, 2005 05:33 am (UTC)
what was it about "volunteering" me? which part was that? actually i really don't want or need or expect "help" at all, but thanks a lot anyway. i'm not sure which request you're talking about... hehe paiseh.

and yes, i agree with you about the whole thing...... hai, to heck with this comment lah, i'm gonna give you a call. sorry i had to screen this. and i meant "deed", not "dead". heh.
sleepysnail on May 28th, 2005 02:54 pm (UTC)
at first, i didn't understand why u r commenting on ur own lj.. haha

is it normal to feel suicidal at times??? i thought about it a few times b4.

but i wouldn't dare to jump off from a building, my 'plan' was to sleep in a car with the engine on. painless death. haha.
a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on May 28th, 2005 03:59 pm (UTC)
'cos i don't wanna post too many wu liao one-sentence entries of mere fleeting thoughts mah.

i hope it's normal bah, i don't know... or else i should be quite abnormal liao. first of all, whose car are you gonna use ah? haha. next time i need, i borrow yours. :p
sleepysnail on May 30th, 2005 02:37 am (UTC)
luckily i have no car, else i might be dead now.. haha..

oh ya, schindler list is around 3 hours leh.. haha.. i think we have to split into two days if we wanna watch yingni vcd as well.

oh ya, 2nd week lor..