my gran isn't looking too good. what's it exactly that makes an old person's physical condition seem to degenerate so much within such a couple of days' stay in the hospital? it's painful walking in each time, watching her looking miserable, feeling miserable.
i've always been kind of an inadequate sorta person--i've always been not-so-good at expressing extremes; don't know what to say, how to look, where to look, how to act, what to do, stumped for words. i want to pray for her, as in, with her. but with so many others around, i lack the boldness; i remember i've never ever prayed in mandarin by myself before.
today, my fourth aunt visited with my cousin i.e. her son i.e. junwei. so did my first aunt, with another cousin i.e. her son i.e. gerald i.e. the chongqing-lookalike who's just back from sydney. guess i was glad to see my cousins... we usually see each other only about once or twice a year. my fourth aunt teared just now. yati cried yesterday. it's painful for us to see you in pain. it's miserable for us to see you in misery. it feels horrible.
i suddenly had some thoughts about foreign domestic help. for those employed to care for the elderly, when those in their charge eventually get older and older still, and surely one day have to go, the gan qings that the helpers have developed for them... doesn't it make them very sad? it's like, if you come to care for an elderly or sickly person, whom you would actually never have known, does it mean that you have to come prepared for some eventual sorrow? it's like, embarking on a new relationship with someone, all the time knowing that it would end with you brokenhearted, is it? i was just thinking...
i don't even really know what exactly to pray for.