could you possibly understand the tension that arises from the loathing of that desire for that which is supposed to be wrong, and the loving and wanting of that same desire to be fulfilled. it is those butterflies in the stomach which rise fluttering upon that recognition that you want it so bad yet you cannot want it precisely 'cos it's so bad. and as well, that recognition that you want to be set free of being held back by all these rules and regulations and principles and whatnot that bar you, yet you know the security in them, you cannot go wrong within. i want to venture out on my own, yet i know i am safer with You.
but i've already made that one step out. and that wilderness ahead still calls, still beckons, still sings to me. thorns and all, visible, but they cannot matter to me now. come, come, it says, dance with me, dance with me! and i must dance! i must go down that way! i must deviate! perhaps the very reason i go, is this: i know.
he is warm against all Your cold. his touch, more tangible than Your embrace. his voice of his reason, louder than Yours.