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18 February 2006 @ 05:02 am
sigh  
i had only hoped to reconcile what i know that should be right and what i want to be right, so that i need not betray the One while serving the other, and to save myself from these sleepless nights that bug me no end. it was not something ingenious that i had hoped to come up with; only something to bridge the two, something to appease.

could you possibly understand the tension that arises from the loathing of that desire for that which is supposed to be wrong, and the loving and wanting of that same desire to be fulfilled. it is those butterflies in the stomach which rise fluttering upon that recognition that you want it so bad yet you cannot want it precisely 'cos it's so bad. and as well, that recognition that you want to be set free of being held back by all these rules and regulations and principles and whatnot that bar you, yet you know the security in them, you cannot go wrong within. i want to venture out on my own, yet i know i am safer with You.

but i've already made that one step out. and that wilderness ahead still calls, still beckons, still sings to me. thorns and all, visible, but they cannot matter to me now. come, come, it says, dance with me, dance with me! and i must dance! i must go down that way! i must deviate! perhaps the very reason i go, is this: i know.

he is warm against all Your cold. his touch, more tangible than Your embrace. his voice of his reason, louder than Yours.

i'm sorry.
 
 
Mood: cold and totally ambivalent