a little less than the girl next door (in_transit) wrote,
a little less than the girl next door
in_transit

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somewhere in between, as with all else

today was the most stressed up of the six papers i have had for this semester. as i told you, i feel as though this is the deciding paper--it is neither my best nor my worst, but it is the only one i judge myself to be in between grade letters. and i dare still to hope to reap what i had not sown. what a lazy ass i am.

five sections to an entire compulsory question, and each, a potential full-fledged essay in its own right, is, in my (accustomed-to-two-essays-per-exam) view, too much for the short two hours. yet, i see that this is fair, as it still will, ultimately, sift out the bad from the good, and vice versa--the good juggle time well, producing organised, intelligent answers, elaborating where necessary while excluding the needless details; the bad lack focus, sound judgement, tight arguments, do not know which points to expand on and which to simply summarise.

i am feeling so acutely like this semester has been my last chance, my last chance at closing that gap, before i pit myself against the really-unbeatables. that gap, so small, it seems, but it is precisely it that separates. i feel like this gap is in effect the space between the ever-suffocating ceiling of my what-people-call-intellect and other people like al's inexistent limit. it seems so near, yet so far.

okay, and now, again, i am starting to think that all this is bloody ideology, as always. yet if i really do subscribe to all this that we learn (and i cannot help but to do so, i study it everyday, in every single class!), then my approach to life must ultimately be a fatalistic one, isn't it? it is probably so much more comforting to believe that you can actually work to make things happen, and blame yourself when it doesn't, than to become resigned to blaming society, structure, etc. for this predicament we are all subject to, yet not possessing the power to change a single thing, no?

so, what does it matter that we "know"? we are still as absorbed into the system. it still matters. and if it doesn't, then you are deviant; in a way, you transgress. at least by the laws of this place.

---

okay, no, i am not depressed, please don't think that i am. this is just one night, out of the many others where i am filled with hope and promise and joy and happiness, where i am willingly and passively absorbed into all that and not minding it at all. just this one night, i shall devote to mourning the many hours i have wasted not studying, the ever-so-familiar regret of not having better utilised time, the unfulfillable(?) yearning to turn back the clock. this night is certainly necessary for the conscience to be soothed, comforted, pacified...... so that i may abandon myself to play, guiltless, for the next three months. haha!

i mean, who, in their right mind, would want to turn the clock back to a time of needing to study yet not studying, a time of unspeakable yearning precisely for the dawn of this day? not me! *grin*
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