a decade old
i must confess that it was excruciating just recounting and thus reliving it all over again, 'tho this isn't even the first time i'm recounting and reliving it.
and while it may have seemed nothing very much and simply yet another passing phase of growing up; like i said, i think it was the mental torture, of subjecting myself to having no room to not pulling through, of the thought of other people's perceptions and how i imagined them to be just waiting and watching for it to all play out like any other drama, waiting to witness my humiliation and shame, to derive some innate perverse pleasure from somebody else's downfall which would not matter one bit to them... these thoughts reflect(ed) my worldview, and of course, they may or may not have been true, but that kinda sums up the whole "mental torture" phase.
some think i straightened out (totally no pun, haha!), maybe because i merely wanted to, because i finally had things worked out in my mind, right and wrong, good and bad. but really, i guess if you really wanted to define the driving force, it probably came down to this: the fear of the punishment (whether mental or physical, that would eventually pervade your entire life) that society would naturally inflict upon those who behaved outside of its norms - the doing wrong, doing bad, screwing up my own life (academically, whatever) that i was once engaged in - not very different from that advertisement of that little yellow post-it note stuck behind your back that you just can't get rid of.
while a whole lot of good did come out of the entire thing, it was truly a terrible time to live through, personally. worse, i didn't even really feel then, that there was a God who could live through that period of time with me, since back then, God was a mere weekly affair at church. i remember considering suicide. i don't know why i never actually got to that, 'tho "last words" were written, time and again - even today, i don't dare to dig 'em out of my drawer. of all my little life experiences, that period of time was by far the worst ever; insignificant as it all sounds today. i think it could have been because i felt, as a confused teenager back then, that i was picking up my pieces, utterly alone. (this could help explain why i never experience "loneliness" anymore..?)
valuable memories, yet painful to bring up to the surface, out to the open for yet another post-mortem. so painful, that while a lot of good did come out of it, i would never wish this (or another similar experience) on myself, just for the sake of obtaining that eventual good. maybe it's a good thing that things happen, whether or not you wish them to.
it is good, even to remember, how far i have come since, how far back i never want to regress, how, if i could have lived through that, perhaps then, i could live through anything else! somemore, now plus God - good and spiritual direction, some mental ji4 tuo1, company, comfort, relief; armed also with more knowledge, more life experiences, better, sounder logic, better ability to form, express and articulate my thoughts and my positions.
i don't doubt that life will likely bring on worse experiences. but the said painful period now exists in memory, for reference. to do better, the next time round.