a little less than the girl next door (in_transit) wrote,
a little less than the girl next door
in_transit

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transference

some blogger from far away whose blog i follow just blogged today about how her first and only tattoo she got at the age of 20 in a state of grief after having broken up with her then-girlfriend, now-spouse. i think she put it all very nicely - a line she quoted from her journal back then said: "good to hurt somewhere else".

i think i felt the same way back when i first wanted to get a tattoo. in my then-state of grief/pain from all that screwed-up mess in my head, somewhere i think/knew it'd be of some relief to hurt elsewhere. and a part of me believed that if physical pain failed to daunt me, then psychological/emotional pain i could conquer all the more.

of course, i experimented with tiny doses of less obvious, less permanent types of pain first. in the end, the tattoo never came because so many other considerations filtered their way in - namely the parents' likely shock and horror that their child would "deface" the otherwise unblemished skin they gave birth to and how it might put them in a difficult spot in conversations with their friends and other relatives.

sometimes i think if it's even worth factoring concern for their feelings into my decisions. they always think of us as the selfish gen y - me first always and never sparing a thought for them - whether it be grad photos, holiday decisions, marriage plans, etc. etc. do they know the many things we have struggled not to do precisely to avoid hurting them? the things i remind myself every now and then never to do because i would never want to subject them to the grief?

well, no matter what resentment i have now, growing up subject to whatever we've been subject to, i have to remember that i have after all grown up to be my own person, my own mind. both of us have after all been generally well brought up. as my own person, i can make the conscious choice not to be resentful. to focus on what lies ahead that will better mould me than to dwell on and constantly rehash what shaped me into the person i am today.

the pain and angst and shock of the happenings a few years back, i have more or less gotten over and am hardly bothered by it anymore - it's almost like just another one of my countless never-wanna-mention-again confused-teen mistakes to me. but my want for a tattoo hasn't diminished with time. maybe, maybe for my skewed logic that if i can take that little pain, i can take whatever else psychological/emo crap that life still has to throw at me. it would be to me a reminder that i have dealt, and therefore i can deal.

every close-to-birthday since then, i re-contemplate the tattoo that i still so want to get. sigh.
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