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03 September 2011 @ 04:54 pm
不由自主 恍恍惚惚 又走回头路  
"The place I am at right now is that embarrassing moment when I look in the mirror and I feel shame, and I say stupid crap to myself in disgust."

what i really like about this guy is that he often says stuff that i feel the same way about, or i get the same experiences, or something. so i don't feel so weird, so crazy about these secret things, secret thoughts. so i feel like, hey, this guy does that/feels that too, we must be normal then.

you know, sometimes i think i know why those medically-certified really crazy people go around shocking people by spewing vulgarities out of the blue in public. it's almost like something i do too - have conversations with yourself, have running commentaries in your head, suddenly be told of something unpleasant, or reminded of something you don't want to remember, so you start lashing out in self-rebuke, or you fill your head instead with extreme, audible words and phrases to block those thoughts out. except, i manage to do that only in private, or soundlessly; though sometimes i forget, or i think i'm alone, and i accidentally let slip.

sometimes, i think, i'm not really all that different from alsa and aru.

but then again, maybe my self-consciousness is all that makes the difference.

*edit, sep 4, 1.30am* yet, it's my self-consciousness that started the crazy shit i go through of talking to myself in the first place. and it's my self-consciousness that stops me from it aloud in public. so, am i crazy or not??
Mood: weird
Music: 陶喆 - 流沙