in a way, i do such actions because i don't dare, yet i want him to know of my existence. so, i guess, actually i was secretly happy all the while that he kept (making excuses to) turn back to look. especially at the escalators where it was sooo obvious... and later at the exit, where he seemed to be waiting for me to follow.
i wonder if he told his friend. but the friend didn't seem to know. i was thinking, or he (the friend) would surely have turned and stared right? unless they are also gao1 shou3s at secretly pointing out people to observe?
but i really really wanted to establish a serious connection. as in, i seriously considered, at that point of time, asking him for his number. but then at one, so many considerations flooded my mind. i've never asked a guy for his number before. and certainly not in this manner. firstly, what's a senior doing asking for a junior's number??? secondly, will he even give? i'm older for goodness' sake! thirdly... i will seriously let myself down by becoming stuttery and turning red and stuff like that. moreover, my hands and legs felt miserably trembly and my stomach was really churning. how to ask like that??
but at that time, it was really such a good chance! especially when he left his friend's queue to walk into the magazine store. at that corner with him alone, i should have asked! i could have!
but i was just a coward. i just can't go up naturally and ask. i was afraid i'd behave like some fanatic. my hands and voice would shake. i'd turn red. people around would look. he might not let me have his number. he's younger afterall.
i know i probably sound mad. and hua1 xin1 too. but i'm really glad in a way that at least some "remote" connection has been made. and at that duration, all thoughts of nemo really flew out of mind. even after, (perhaps i'm still not over the effects yet) i think i prefer lippy. despite nemo being better (my view) in many many many aspects.
would i feel the same way about him (nemo) if i were to not see him for a prolonged period of time, and then suddenly meet him again along the streets? would i think him the "best" even if i felt lippy beat him hands down? i'm guessing, if i were to feel that way, then maybe it isn't that bad. but if not, am i seriously head over heels with lippy??? even so, what's the point?
sigh, the constraints of society. blame dhs. besides, he may already have someone else. 99.9% he has someone in mind. or maybe he's in close contact with some year one s.p. of his... afterall, that's the norm in vj, right? *sheesh*
and i wonder if some voyuer who might have stumbled upon my past entries could have told him about it. for all i know, he checks frequently for content on himself. afterall, i've realised he really does know me... (and for that, i'm glad)
well, if he does, if you do, i'd really really like to have your number, please. i would never dream of disrupting your mugging for the a's. and if you already have a... significant other, i'd also like to know... so i can go through that process of putting you out of mind. considering how experiences like this can have such a nerve-wrecking effect on me, it'd be a good thing too.
even nemo didn't warrant an entire entry on him. and lippy has, to date, at least three. fine, i'm nuts.