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13 September 2003 @ 03:01 am
several trains (of thought)  
being the "logical" person i am, i shall thus attempt to list the matters which may be the reasons for my feeling as i am now. in this manner, i sometimes feel i'm very similar to rina... in that we often try to analyse our own feelings... and others' as well, i guess. and we have our own little theories for them. i don't know if everyone does that too, but sometimes i just suspect i'm weird. and sometimes i wonder if i'm really a "thinking" or a "feeling" person... (no, yingni, i'm not "ah hee ah hay") i mean, in my view, to keep trying to make sense of your emotions, is a rather "thinking" trait. yet, to have such a varied range of feelings i often go through, i'd think is quite... well, "feeling" lah. don't know. ok, so here goes:

1. the movie, turn left turn right
2. friends coming and leaving
3. chance encounters (i have yet to get over)
4. sliding back down that slackers' pit

the movie wasn't too disappointing despite my (i'd consider) rather high expectations beforehand. well, i can't say any movie has really disappointed me very badly before anyway, as darius once mentioned... but still, i found it quite nice and touching (as expected) lor. i mean, i know it's all lovey-dovey romantic flick and impossible and ridiculous and stuff like that, but still...... we don't have to believe it and be encouraged to wait for our soulmate and stuff like that, but i was thinking, there also isn't reason for us to take it cynically and be harsh and critical toward yourself and the movie, and life (and love) in general. i don't know if i'm talking sense. but i like to daydream, and i'm guessing it isn't too bad to have this little fancy idea to think on if it can put me to sleep at night.

jincheng wu was shuai, i liked his hair, i liked his striped shirts. gigi leung was tall and pretty, and she cried rather realistically. their xiang1 yu4s were like, so xing1 ku3, and they two really looked so the "sad, deep couple". at that point where he/she was asking for a miracle, before they went home to pack, i felt that part was quite quite touching. mm hm but i didn't tear at all (and for that i'm proud)! :) and the two theme songs were nice. turns out miriam yeung's song isn't a theme song at all. :/

change topic. the other thing which got me slightly down was seeing another friend (two!) leave. peiqi and amy head for manchester tonight (last night). well, i wish them all the very best and may they settle in well there and their friendship blossom with the many years they'll be spending together in interdependence. ok, that's basically what everyone else wishes for them too, so it's really rather cliche, but still, heartfelt. airport scenarios are always touching, heart-rending; sometimes goosebump-raising (for me), teary, whatever... and a little bit of envy. well, everybody's got a bit of attention-seeking nature. :> (great excuse huh)

don't wanna elaborate on the farewell. it's just that, everybody's walking in and then walking out of each other's lives... one thought links to another, and another, and another; i suppose that's what you call "train" of thought... and i think of how fragile relationships are. how transient. when i recall an old friend, or old neighbour, whatever, i wanna re-establish that connection, but i almost never get around to it. in showers, i think of thanking a couple of my teachers for having made a difference in my life, but they remain only thoughts for years. i think of visiting auntie's (ex-nanny's) family again, but it never happened and now it seems uncle (her husband) has passed away; and that connection is broken because it's gonna be awkward to go back now anyway. my nanny's husband used to be really nice to me when i was young. he'd fan me to sleep in the afternoons, buy me bananas and durians (i sound like a pet monkey) and he really really doted on me. i feel so unfilial.

and the chance encounter i've yet to get over is still haunting me. because of that, i now find myself hoping and wishing that it'd happen again. and somehow i feel i'm building my hopes too high, i'm hoping for something to happen out of nothing. logically speaking, i'm nuts. and then i realise sometimes it's really this weird thing called hope, that's the cause of many stuff -- joy, happiness, sadness, disappointment, decision, the continuation of life (for some, not necessarily me lah). i've probably stopped making sense again. so here's how another train of thought is going (the end part of it) -- ...i'm a person --> i have many failures --> forgive me... and another one -- you'd think you'd be satisfied if the guy of your dreams turns out to reciprocate your feelings totally, and a relationship starts. but i'd never be sure about myself (at this point). hmmm, didn't i just say "out with all that cynicism"? ah the dual nature of man. (sounds vaguely philo, which i'm sucking at)

and that brings us to my last point. i'm slacking. again. more than ever. discipline simply eludes me. i just prefer to update rather than view those webcasts. i prefer to establish connections with friends to studying. i prefer movies and guys to those books and philosophical arguments and shit. as usual, i don't wanna elaborate on my duo4 luo4-ness.

still, must thank weiwen for... encouraging me to type out my stuff...? :> even if what i have to say makes me sound dumb and possibly insane. sometimes i feel i have this need to tell people exactly how i feel... psychological tests call that "having a story to tell" i think... i blame it on the attention-seeking nature of man. even if i blush under spotlight. writing is my forte, even if i will never beat my sis, even if i don't have a great vocab and can hardly sound poetic about stuff which mean a whole lot to me, and my expression sucks and i often sound psychotic. even if it really isn't great at all as compared to those real artsy people; those gp get a1/a2 people; those angmoh sibeh powderful and don't speak a word of singlish/hokkien/whatever people. why? (why writing is my forte...) 'cos i could never express myself as well in speech. amen.
Mood: melancholy
Narcissisthowie_lee on September 12th, 2003 08:26 pm (UTC)
Hizz...Gd luck wif Lippy ..or Botak.. If u reali wan it, juz go for it.. =}
dreamerjarcheenta on September 14th, 2003 09:55 am (UTC)
no you aren't weird. at least i think so, cos i feel very much the same way as you do. i analyse my own feelings too, and try to read others' minds and thoughts. so even if you're really weird, you have quite a couple of others to join you too.. ;)

i have yet to watch turn left turn right. like what my friend said, you must watch turn left with the right person. not that i have any right person to watch it with.. sob. anyway, as for the lovey-dovey impossible romantic flick, i feel it's fine to daydream once in a while. i do that most of the time i think *oops* but i guess we must do the reality pinch often to keep ourself in check too. =|

about the farewell thing.. i have another 3 friends leaving for their overseas education just over this weekend. sigh. i agree about your "everybody's walking in and then walking out of each other's lives" saying. man, don't get me into it again.. =(

"he'd fan me to sleep in the afternoons, buy me bananas and durians (i sound like a pet monkey)"

hahaha! that was my initial thought too while reading about the bananas and durians.. and i burst out laughing after reading your comment ;)
a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on September 17th, 2003 07:39 am (UTC)
haha actually we're all nuts... ;p i hope you've watched the movie by now... you know, my sister actually went to watch it alone. haha. think about it again, the show isn't too great except for the *idea* of their romance, and of course the shi jie shang zui shuai de shuai ge. :D

aiyah guess tian xia really wu bu san zi yan xi. hehe see my chinese so perfect!
dreamerjarcheenta on September 17th, 2003 09:16 pm (UTC)
haha.. nope i haven't watched the movie. uni has deprived me of movie time! sigh i'm cooped up in my hall nowadays. hmm i heard the newspapers and magazines gave a rather negative review of this movie. that it doesn't serve justice to the original book, and the casting of the actors were inappropriate. hmmm.. it's either you disliked it to the extreme, or you were neutral about it.

aiyah guess tian xia really wu bu san zi yan xi. hehe see my chinese so perfect!

sorry dude, it's "ZHI" not "zi". so your chinese isn't too perfect after all =D
the doobfemdog on September 21st, 2003 12:22 am (UTC)
hahahahaha! fancy saying your chinese is perfect when you make a mistake in the same sentence!
a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on September 28th, 2003 08:28 am (UTC)
*ignore* ;p
the doobfemdog on September 15th, 2003 06:39 am (UTC)
ok wow. i really liked this entry. dunno how dunno why, but i just do. it sorts of speaks a lot and i can relate to it.

oh hey, you said logically speaking, you're nuts. but if you're nuts, how can you speak logically? haha, sorry, too much living with maths. well, don't worry about being nuts, everyone's nuts at some point of time. oh btw, you're not the only one who's slacking man....i feel beyond guilt (haha, copy you!) for skipping a lecture today! man, i hope we don't continue this trend...

sigh. this week is gonna be very hectic for me. i've to finish my group project by thursday, and i've a quiz on saturday and monday. other signs of too much work and no time: i STILL haven't read my comics which i bought more than a week ago! and i haven't been on the comp for so bloody long! and the worst thing is that i don't have much chance of meeting you this week. sob sigh sob.
a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on September 17th, 2003 07:45 am (UTC)
thank you thank you, lucky my effort and time taken in typing such a long entry hasn't been wasted. ;>

ok... obviously the logic vs insanity thingy was my mind in conflict, since i was nuts at that time. and since i was nuts, that statement prolly wasn't very logical. but if it wasn't, then i'm not nuts! but then, even if it wasn't necessarily logical, i might have hit the "right" logic by chance! haha... what the crap am i talking about manz... living with math sure sounds similar to philo!!! which means it sucks!!! :D

i have 1 more computing lecture and 1 philo lecture to watch lor... sigh. at least we're meeting toms. that should make you really happy since you're head over heels for me! wahahahaha!
the doobfemdog on September 21st, 2003 12:20 am (UTC)
hey man you should really take living with mathematics then. unfortunately, reasoning is only the first topic. and btw, i don't think it sucks as bad as philo lor. haha. :P

heehee i am so in love with you that i have a pseudo-poem for you. here it goes...

you set my heart aflutter,
my light at the end of the tunnel.
"you're The One", i figure.
it's just too bad though,
we're hetero.
lippy has more luck,
not to mention botak.


a little less than the girl next doorin_transit on September 28th, 2003 08:31 am (UTC)
sorry i took so long to reply, but was really impressed by your love for me, so much so that you took the time to write me a poem. haha. i might accept you, you know, if you only ask. ;p (no, don't take it for real... cannot...) hahaha. thanks again ar. one day i will write a wonderful one for you!!! that is, after my midterms are over, assuming i'm still alive lah.