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26 January 2013 @ 03:06 am
勤能补拙 part one  
today i just wanted to say that in their own little pieces, many things in my life i feel could be so much better than they presently are, yet so many days i feel that in their entirety, everything seems quite, quite perfect.

today i also wanted to say that the more sceptical people are of you at the beginning, the more convinced they will often turn out to be in the end when you finally manage to prove yourself to them, and it will certainly be worth every bit of your effort.

i say this partly because of colin's situation, and also partly because today i re-realised that one of the most hostile and unfriendly people i have met of late has turned out to be a real gem -- and that was not without the investment of much time and major effort on my part.

one of the things i am most afraid of people's opinions of me is that they may think i try too hard -- try too hard to please people, try too hard to get into their good books, try too hard to meet their expectations, try too hard to be liked by them -- precisely because there is actually quite a bit of truth in that, maybe a whole lot.

yet when i think that people may think this way of me, i also want them to know that i believe i earned it -- i went out of the way for these people, i stuck my neck out for them, i kept promises to them, i kept their secrets, i did what i could for them and i gave them what i could afford, namely sincerity, time, a listening ear, understanding, analysis, advice, gossip, whatever. things didn't come easily or naturally to me, and i have as best as i could paid my dues for them; and this is a survival technique for me, one i picked up not without some harsh lessons earlier on in life.

just another one of my philosophies that i hope the people i love and will come to love will be able to understand.

though sometimes i also ask myself why i would believe that i have to win people's approval, work myself into their good books, when so many others simply feel entitled to it, take it for granted.

well, as usual, we just have to look back into the past to figure that out. and at times like that, i am thankful for God -- i did not have to earn his love, his forgiveness, his mercy, his goodness. yes, i worked hard to do well in whatever, to be happy the way i am today, but surely, surely i did not quite deserve it as much as i would like to believe i do. He has really been good to me.

(maybe part two will come another day.)

p.s.: i love lie to me and the mentalist because of the fairytaleish notion the series sell that there are actually people out there who can get you, understand you and why you are the way you are, without you having to go into painfully lengthy and oftentimes grossly incomplete attempts to explain it all. perhaps that is also why i cannot help but be drawn to people who can, say, catch just a glimpse of me yawning, a crease of my forehead, a fidget in my seat and know that i am immensely frustrated or bored or whatever; who can see beyond my nervous stutters and clumsy responses in conversations and recognise that they are more a result of insecurity and social awkwardness than a lack of actual intellect. that, my sister would say, is the mark of an N person based on the myers-briggs.