a little less than the girl next door (in_transit) wrote,
a little less than the girl next door


recent happenings have made me start to think that just because people are willing to sacrifice my interests for their own doesn't mean that i should indeed sacrifice my own interests for theirs. much as i would like to be able to and have spent the longest time doing so, i am not actually content to and don't want to always be the one giving way so that others can have the best and i can have the worst just so they will be satisfied.

i feel upset, slighted and mistreated whenever discussions end with me being told straight up to go back and consider, having to think about whether i should 配合 and 迁就, while others don't even bother to waste a minute to consider my equally valid, equally important concerns, when what they really mean is "i'll give you some time to decide to drop all your interests so that mine will all work out just as i want them to".

i think it is very unfair to me and it makes me upset because i don't want to have to kick up a big fuss over little things and i think it's really not worth it to do so, but i don't want to always have to end up getting the short end of the stick either. why do i try to hold myself to being selfless and people-pleasing while others can be so unabashedly self-centred? why do i allow myself to be subject to this all the time while if the same were to happen to a loved one, say, my sister, i would be utterly outraged and want to make sure that the other party pays for ill-treating her?

given these recent thoughts and the realisation that perhaps it really is time for me to just ditch my cares and be more assertive about my own interests, i have also considered the fact that if i set my mind to doing so, i have to be very careful not to swing to too much of an extreme in a bid to assert myself; i have a tendency to do that in the early stages of calibration. yet, with each successive incident, i cannot help but feel that anger growing inside me over the seeming unfairness of this all.

like i have discussed many times before with col, show me that you have thought for me, that my concerns factor in your decision-making process as well, and i will be happy to think for you, i would be happy to go out of my way for you. i love the friends i have who treat me with this respect without my having to demand it; i met with a pair of them just today and i can't say just how much i appreciate that. if you don't even accord me that ounce of respect, i may and probably will still give in to your whims and fancies, but it eats me up inside (if people even care). a sense of fairness is very important to me, even though God says mercy above all, and tolerance, and forgiveness, and turn the other cheek.

don't treat me like crap when you keep telling me and others otherwise.

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