the scariness of being responsible for other living things

i resolve to ignore my two pothos for at least a week. and to mostly leave the m.d. alone for the next 10 days or so until its leaves get a wee bit droopy again. showered m.d. thoroughly this evening and he immediately looked much happier. lol. i’d been terrified to water it for about two weeks cos of the previous sad incident where i lost a bunch of leaves due to overwatering, shitty non-draining soil, and overall inexperience and panic. this time round, i removed most of the coco husks that came with it so that the soil could get more air and not stay so wet for so long. i actually really wanna repot m.d. and the peace lily, cos i got some proper aroid mix for them, but am afraid they will start looking unwell after the repotting or they turn out not to like the soil or got some fungus or some other issue, then they might die on me. fml.

meanwhile, i’m also having some anxiety lately over ungerminating seeds. dumped a whole pack of mint, some coriander and leftover chili into three small pots about a week or more ago to see if they’d sprout, but nothing still; the last time i tried the mint seeds more than a month ago also yielded nothing. is it the ntuc seeds expired already? then one planter box of spinach also not sprouting. the rest of the veggie are doing fine, thankfully, and i managed to repel an infestation of fungus gnats with a wee bit of neem oil, for the time being. hope they grow well (preferably faster) and stop losing their bottom leaves from the gnats or whatever other reason. gardening is really a study in patience.

guava has some velvety new leaves; so cute. indian borage and pandans looking fine for now, fingers all crossed, cos i keep worrying that they’re getting not enough sun or too much sun or not enough water or too much water, fml. purple basil crumples up whenever it’s in the shade (or at night) but looks damn happy even when the harsh late afternoon sun is beating down on it. baby chili’s little leaves curled up in that same sun and almost immediately uncurled when i brought it back into the kitchen; and google said it loves the sun!

i am already running out of space both at home and outside to put the plants because the flat was clearly designed to keep out the sun, and i don’t have the space to move everything outside along the corridor; besides, the corridor half wall blocks out the sun too, unlike the newer buildings with their metal barriers with holes for sunlight to dapple through. the newer buildings also have floor to ceiling windows at home so you can just put all the pots on the floor against the windows and not worry about elevating them to get the sun. so envious!!! this is where the grow lights come in and my electricity bills will rise. they have proven very useful though; i like to think that they work, hopefully they really do.

i’m a terrible bungling tiger plant parent. the kind of mini anxiety i have over them, the constant not knowing what they want and if what i’m doing will help or harm them, yet wanting to secure only the best for them so they can have a head start, and all the mistakes i’ve already made (killed m.d., a baby pandan and one small chili seedling)… all these make me immensely relieved that i’m not a real parent. a few years back, i dreamt i had a baby boy and forgot all about him while i was ktving with my friends. when i finally remembered, he was stuck behind the ktv room door, already brain damaged. that sinking feeling, knowing that there was no way i could undo the damage, and in my head, trying to figure a way out of it and not have people find out about my negligence, that terrible feeling even in my dream (nightmare), was unforgettable. so i guess some things turn out the way they do for a reason.

for this reason, i’m also a bit afraid of getting a pet at some point. when we had guybrush, i was just a kid and didn’t know better and didn’t care enough either. we did so many things wrong, all the way to his old age. poor guybrush. but we loved him so and wish we could have given him more of our time and energy and space at home. really don’t know if i will ever find the courage to let another cat into my life again. i almost feel like a timider version of zq… lol. maybe part of me is even subconsciously trying to emulate zq, lollol. too bad she no longer checks into lj to see this lol.


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