a little less than the girl next door (in_transit) wrote,
a little less than the girl next door

the quest to be a doer vs an empty talker

i did do annanas yesterday. this low-impact one, to be exact. probably very low impact on helping to shave off my calories too, lol. also repotted my chillis and thai basil (which i intend to dump soon) yesterday. also harvested two bags full of basil and indian borage, which are now all nicely washed and chucked into the freezer. just knocked off work cos just now i went to lie down for a while for "lunch" and ended up waking up 1.5h later, past my knock-off time, so i had to quickly get up to hand over and sheepishly make myself useful and pretend that i was ot-ing instead of sleeping.

suddenly am told today that i have to pitch my big pitch of the year by end of the week if i hope to do one at all this year. actually feel very tired to do any thinking and research and coordination at all, not to mention work on ppt slides again to put the message across succinctly. but if i let this opportunity slip me by, i dunno... last year, it was my chance in my first year in this place to show i was more than just your run-of-the-mill staff; this year, it's a chance to show that i'm not just a one-hit wonder; next year, i'll probably feel a need to show i'm a consistent top performer... when will this end? and yet if i let it go, i will probably go about feeling like, "i could have done this!", "i could have done better!", etc etc.

i always think that 与其 be a "小人物" spending your life complaining and thinking that you're so much better than everyone else and know so much more about the best/right ways to do things and yet have not been "发掘"ed by the powers that be, 不如 jump right in and plough in the effort to do it yourself to prove it to yourself and the world that your way works and that you're good (and if you fail, then you know that you're not as great as you thought you were!). it was the same argument/decision i faced when i took on my society team years back. would you rather have control over all these imperfect things that you think aren't done well enough now, or just be content to continue being an armchair critic?

it's definitely a lot more work personally trying to do or right something yourself, than to just sit by and be a backseat driver. frankly i also dunno whether it will pan out, and if in the end, it will truly be worth it or not. always afraid of hard work, always afraid of failure, always afraid that the rewards will not be commensurate with the effort. same old questions all the time. all the conundrums of life, sighz. no promises for now, but i shall try to give the pitch some thought.

and here's one of my fave songs from the annanas videos. esp when doing shoulder taps, lol.


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