a little less than the girl next door (in_transit) wrote,
a little less than the girl next door

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it was over a pair of shoes

today marks the first time i cried in the year of 2004. i can't stand the hypocrisy of being in a heated argument less than a minute before going to God in prayer, praying about everything else in the whole wide world and then resuming the quarrel less than two minutes after. it's precisely because of this hypocrisy and the meaninglessness of it all that i chose to wear those shoes. i chose to wear them because i felt that i couldn't possibly insist on doing what i would otherwise want to, after prayer, and because i thought somewhere in the bible told us not to antagonise our parents and those above us. i was only doing it because that was what you wanted me to do, and i thought that i was showing you respect enough by putting away my own wishes and doing as you wanted. just as i did after my o's. after i dumped my history and lit books to pick up those dreaded science subjects because you wanted me to, and i thought i could please you by doing all that.

and i thought by respecting your wishes despite seriously thinking my own were just as legitimate, i was respecting God too. i thought that was what He would have wanted me do. and i also thought that somewhere in the bible also stated that just as kids shouldn't antagonise their parents, parents should also not antagonise their kids. but you wouldn't drop it. you harped on my "disrespect for God" when i thought i had already put away my pride and wishes to do His will. i thought it would be futile to argue back because it wasn't edifying to God, and besides, you always think you're right, i could never convince you otherwise. so i kept quiet. and you continued about "if God had given me a brain, i would know the right thing to do", and that "i would never know how lucky i was until God chooses to take everything away from me, and when i have nothing more..." and then "wait 'til it happens... then i will know"... you say nobody likes to curse their children but they'll never learn until it happens. so that is why you constantly pronounce curses on us? whenever one of our wishes goes against yours, which you feel is always the right one.

to you, if i did everything you wanted me do, that would mean i actually have a brain. so i suppose now you think God hasn't given me one? and what is 'luck' anyway? what's 'fortune'? half my life you teach me one thing, and the other half, you contradict it. when i do all you want, you take it all for granted and you never let it pass that i ever even once thought of doing stuff otherwise. you say we should serve God, you want me to take sister's place in ushering, you want us to go for cell group, but you refuse to go for it yourself. if God wants me out of my comfort zone, haven't you thought He might want you out of yours too? why don't you listen? why do you shut your ears? why do you insist we don't know better, that we're always wrong, and that we don't understand? you don't understand either. you don't try to, and you don't explain either. you just insist we are wrong, and that we know no better. maybe you're right, but you don't even listen. you don't.

when something i do isn't as perfect as what you'd have me do, you're quick to pronounce the judgement, but you don't want to go do it yourself. you never forget; for the rest of my life, you harp on my mistakes. when i go by your wishes against my own, and things go wrong, when i can't keep it up, it becomes my fault. it was never yours. you say you gave me the choice. i think the one big thing i inherited from you must be the ability to harp on things. when i had to drop physics because i could never do it anyway, you said i shouldn't have done what i couldn't. but that wasn't what you used to say. you said i could switch to arts in the u if i found that science wasn't for me in jc. you said i should try science because science is good and has a future and that my sister's an ass for choosing arts over science. conveniently overlooking the clear fact that arts is so her forte. i just cannot forget because when things go wrong, you put the blame back on me. and that makes me fear ever making my decisions according to your will again.

you tell us to ask God for direction, to pray for His guidance; that His will is not our own, but we should want His will done in our lives. but that's not what you show. you say people can always go back to volunteer in church at the end of their careers. you say it's when they're tired of the rat race that they choose to serve in church. you worry about sister being out of touch with the outside working world when she finishes her stint working in church. but you're assuming she will go into the outside working world; that this stint is only temporary. and you're not trusting God the way you teach us to. surely God has His plans; surely He will pave the way?

you make things so hard for me. you confuse me about trust and faith. these two worlds confuse me. you make me cry because all i ever wanted to do is to please you. but when my views differ from yours, you're always right, and i'm wrong, and i'm the ass. my cap score will never beat sister's. you say she got straight As in her first year. you say i have to work very hard because i chose arts and nobody wants arts people and i will be out of job when i graduate. but had i taken up smu accountancy for its employment prospects, i would just have died. i would have died. you say my cap was affected by that C+ for european history because i never studied it before, and that i shouldn't be doing what i'm unfamiliar with because i don't know that i'm bad at it. but why am i unfamiliar with it? because i didn't do it in jc. i couldn't. you didn't want me to. it's all just circular argument to prove your point. but of course, i'm wrong. i always am.

why do you always say i should be doing what there is a practical future in, and not what i am really interested in doing? i know interest can only carry me that far, but i tried the practical future thing before already and it's really not because i didn't work hard that my grades were mediocre. you always say we can pursue our interests after our degrees, but that time will never come. because then, i know full well, you'll be saying we should be out earning income and not sucking up more money on another useless degree. and if we do try, we'll be deemed selfish unfilial good-for-nothings. i'd never get 'round to fulfilling my passions, ever, if i don't do it now. if i could, i would rather my interests lie in the direction of engineering, or accountancy, whatever makes more money. i'd rather my interests all lie in your direction. then i'd be going by God, going by you, and going by what this society deems as worthy and valuable.

this entire entry only serves to prove that i have indeed inherited your ability of harping neverendingly on the past. but that's because you never allow me to forget. when things like this happen, i am miserable, but you are only further convinced at your own rightness.

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