lying huddled under the sweltering warmth of the bedclothes in the muted silence of the deep dark night, against the thick comforter, i was provided little comfort. subdued shafts of light through the window grills, the dim shadow of the electric fan, the relentless tick-tock of the wall clock as it edged surely toward four o'clock only served to further unnerve me. for today, i didn't wanna be awake for the first signs of dawn, the first greeting chirps of the early bird. and yet, i'd this wriggly worm of fear, of bad dreams overwhelming my subconscious world, as my body rests, in seeming peace to the external world. sometimes i wonder, perhaps that's the only place satan has left to seek to assert some of his foul influences over my life. but that'd be too arrogant to think. each day, he presents himself, in ways and means, new and old, in my waking moments. and often times still, i relent. and too frequently, i hardly even fight to resist. perhaps i've been reading too much fantasy then.
even so, i know who stands above the evil one. ultimately, i know who has the upperhand, i know who won the victory. i know who lived a life of sinlessness, resisting successfully, each and every one of satan's tantalising temptations; who died on the cross for sins not his own, was buried and rose again on the third day, thus conquering death--the age-old stranglehold satan had over us, a result of the first sin--hence fulfilling all that his birth has promised -- that we may be granted salvation, and eternal life, not through our own works, but by the grace of the merciful One above; and that for sure, satan will burn in all his utter vileness in the undying fires of hell, ONE PERSON LESS. and that, of course, is me, in case anyone thought otherwise.
and so, i reconciled with, and renewed my vows to the Lord of my life. i wanna be that tiny piece of burning coal, glowing red-hot, never leaving that reasurring heat, always knowing the fervour of its flame blazing in my bones, in my heart and mind and soul. (and this, by the way, is supposed to evoke an image different from the eternal fires of the burning hell, just in case again.)
sometimes i worry about being too ambitious. but somewhere, someone once said, Jesus calls upon us to be ambitious. i worry about being too expectant. but He's told us to ask of Him, and He will make the nations our inheritance, the ends of the earth our possession (Psalm 2:8). He said, ask, and you will receive (John 16:24); He said, ask, and it will be done for us by our Father in heaven (Matthew 18:19). so long as we remain in Him and His words remain in us (John 15:7). truly, the harvest is plentiful -- our Lord has so graciously prepared the harvest for us already, all we need do is to go out there and gather them in! we aren't called to produce the harvest, rather to gather them back into the house of the Lord! oh Lord, as Thou hast promised, draw the world to Thee. oh Lord, truly, that's the cry of my heart, and may it be in synchrony with Yours, Father.
i am but human. each time i ask, i'm so afraid. but i really wanna share the reason for my joy; what keeps me living, breathing, yearning for more. for the minute few who've had some inkling, throughout my teenage years, suicide was often on my mind. in fact, the very first entry of my journal was a "suicide entry". what has so transformed me? it is He! the world needs to know... if you've seen me transformed, my mind renewed, all things changed for the better, you must know that it is not by my own strength, there is Someone behind me, all the way. it'd be selfish, if i'd found the way out of the thick dense jungle we were all trapped in, to keep it to myself, and leave my friends stranded behind, left to their own devices amongst ravenous wolves, snapping hyenas, and let the darkness of the night devour them. i will not. and it's not really because i'm all that noble and kind, but joy is a really hard thing to keep under wraps. you just can't stop talkin' when it's the thing that dominates your entire mind. i need no further explanation for the enormous increase in christian content on my journal since some time ago. i pray for boldness.
There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth
Did I live my life for You...